My whole life, I realized I was different. Feeling things so very deeply. School was draining for me. I hated going to school. I struggled to stay awake in classes and once home I would take a nap or overeat. Ive struggled with overeating my whole life. My heaviest was 220 when I gave birth to my first son. I now bounce around a 140-145. Suppressing emotions my whole 38, almost 39 years on this planet. Wondering why I don’t feel as if I belong here. Why would god make me so damn sensitive? Living in this world that can be so cruel and feeling sadness of it all so very strongly. I would often be called a hypochondriac. Maybe I am crazy.
3 years ago, I took a job in a very toxic environment. 9 months in I got diagnosed with mononucleosis. My body was shutting down. I should have noticed the warning signs. I got interviewed by two co-workers and my face was so hot and red. No, it wasn’t my nerves. I was absorbing their shit. My body was saying, “GIRL, RUN! Don’t take this job!” God had other plans in mind. Had I not taken it, I may have not understood myself yet, even to this day. A year ago at work, things were changing, drastically. A new system we had to learn was in place. People were getting frustrated. My office manager was getting the slow boot. She was not being trained on this system. She knew it was coming. Our yearly office Christmas party was not happening. Instead, we were getting trained on the new system. Promised a office party eventually, which never happen. My shoulders hurt like hell, by the end of the day, it was painful. Having no hypertension before, my blood pressure was high every evening and I felt like I was having a mid-life crisis meltdown. My anxiety was at a all time high. That was it. After a month or two, I had it. I told my boss if I couldn’t work at home, I was quitting. Since he values my hard worth ethnics, I was granted working at home and haven’t turned back. Of course my co-workers, who never welcomed me into their inner circle even from the beginning ,were even more resentful towards me. F it. I need to stop caring what other people think of me. Even to this day I struggle with this. Sitting here talking about work and my shoulders are killing me! Ugh. LOL.
Growing up, emotions and talking about how you feel were never really discussed. Was I being taught how to be strong when I felt so weak? Bury those feelings, suck it up. Life happens and this is just how it is. Of course my parents didn’t say that directly but that is how I felt. Why do I feel so different, an outcast? Envious of the people around me who looked like they had it together or maybe it was all a front. Being a moon child, full blown cancer, emotions have always been strong with me. Loving deeply every moment. I remember looking at the moon a lot as a child and it looked as if she spoke to me. (Yep, I’m putting ALL my weird shit out there!) Laying in bed at night, I would hear the most beautiful soft music. Perhaps a harp? I miss that music. I hope I can tune back into it someday. I am still working on myself and believe me, I gots a TON of work to do. I’m trying to finally accept what god gave me and look, I grew up in a home where we didn’t really go to church much but we said grace at dinner time. Within that past year, not to sound all cliche, but I am finally letting go and letting god. He chose me to show the world that we can have empathy. We can love each other deeply. Maybe you don’t have depression. Maybe you are feeling the constant pain in the world. Let’s grow. Let’s evolve. Stop the judgement. Stop the hatred and the racism. We all want peace but we need peace in ourselves first. Stop pointing the fingers and look within.
Are you an empath? What’s your story? Thanks for listening.