2019

What a year so far. This year for a lot of people has been absolutely crazy. It seems like 2019 is the year that we are all challenged in some way or another or almost forced to deal with our shit. Alright…you have been comfortable for awhile now. God says, time to shake things up and it is ok.

If you believe in a higher self, god, or whoever it is, we are always faced with challenges. We are given these so our souls can learn and grow from the lesson behind it. Some may have it worse then others and typically it is because he or she did not learn the lesson or meaning behind it.  Although I will say, this does not apply to everything.

My family, typical suburban family on the east coast, went through hell a few weeks ago. My husbands work had some major issues and now we must relocate because he is getting laid off.  I’ve been in the same area my whole life! I’ve never left this state and only spent one year in another city in the same state. We have roots, my parents, my sister and my nieces, who are actually 40 mins away), a few friends. Both my sons have friends here and don’t really want to go. My home. My life is here and it’s scary as hell to uproot and start over somewhere new.

Ok, god. What’s the lesson behind all this? Why is this happening to us? The lesson is simple, we are human beings, we are always changing. We must get out of our comfort zone sometimes so we can grow. Things are not always going to be peachy-keen. Things will get really tough sometimes but it is done for our highest good. It is done so we can learn and grow. For the past few years, I have been feeling like I have been growing apart a bit from my mom, which literally tears me up. Now, I am certain this is why. Before I couldn’t even fathom this idea, leaving my mom. The idea always scared me before. I love my mom very much but without feeling a bit of a separation these past few years, this move would swallow me whole.

What’s the lesson behind this? God is teaching me to be more independent and not having to depend on people to always be there because they won’t. I am still terrified to lose my parents some day which could be another reason.  Bottom line, without loss, we will remain unchanged. Change happens constantly. We need change to grow and evolve.

Thanks for reading. Xo

Your secret isn’t mine to hold onto anymore…

You know when you find out someone else’s secret but you feel so incredibly helpless to know that persons secret, so you just keep it to yourself? Does that hit home for anyone else or is it just me? I’ve kept this burden for years. It has caused me a great deal of stress.

Welp, I just released this pain today. I told this person that I know of the secret and it caused me guilt in knowing and stress. Empaths need emotional freedom. We tire easily from other peoples shit! Why do we do that to ourselves? We are not a doormat. Yes we love hard and occasionally feel like a punching bag but it is important to release all emotional baggage, especially if you have been holding on to it for so long. Will I feel better now that I told this person? I hope so. I still feel guilty but maybe because I held onto it for so long and just did not want to cause heartache. I am a peace keeper. I hate confrontation. I hate seeing pain in others and only want to promote happiness. I need to realize that this is not always going to happen. We need to step out of our comfort zones in order to grow. Sometimes, as much as it hurts, we have to cause a little rain so the flowers may grow.

Thanks for reading. xo

Feelers…are you one?

My whole life, I realized I was different. Feeling things so very deeply. School was draining for me. I hated going to school. I struggled to stay awake in classes and once home I would take a nap or overeat. Ive struggled with overeating my whole life. My heaviest was 220 when I gave birth to my first son. I now bounce around a 140-145. Suppressing emotions my whole 38, almost 39 years on this planet. Wondering why I don’t feel as if I belong here. Why would god make me so damn sensitive? Living in this world that can be so cruel and feeling sadness of it all so very strongly. I would often be called a hypochondriac. Maybe I am crazy.

3 years ago, I took a job in a very toxic environment. 9 months in I got diagnosed with mononucleosis. My body was shutting down. I should have noticed the warning signs. I got interviewed by two co-workers and my face was so hot and red. No, it wasn’t my nerves. I was absorbing their shit. My body was saying, “GIRL, RUN! Don’t take this job!” God had other plans in mind. Had I not taken it, I may have not understood myself yet, even to this day. A year ago at work, things were changing, drastically. A new system we had to learn was in place. People were getting frustrated. My office manager was getting the slow boot. She was not being trained on this system. She knew it was coming. Our yearly office Christmas party was not happening. Instead, we were getting trained on the new system. Promised a office party eventually, which never happen. My shoulders hurt like hell, by the end of the day, it was painful. Having no hypertension before, my blood pressure was high every evening and I felt like I was having a mid-life crisis meltdown. My anxiety was at a all time high. That was it. After a month or two, I had it. I told my boss if I couldn’t work at home, I was quitting. Since he values my hard worth ethnics, I was granted working at home and haven’t turned back. Of course my co-workers, who never welcomed me into their inner circle even from the beginning ,were even more resentful towards me. F it. I need to stop caring what other people think of me. Even to this day I struggle with this. Sitting here talking about work and my shoulders are killing me! Ugh. LOL.

Growing up, emotions and talking about how you feel were never really discussed. Was I being taught how to be strong when I felt so weak? Bury those feelings, suck it up. Life happens and this is just how it is. Of course my parents didn’t say that directly but that is how I felt. Why do I feel so different, an outcast? Envious of the people around me who looked like they had it together or maybe it was all a front. Being a moon child, full blown cancer, emotions have always been strong with me. Loving deeply every moment. I remember looking at the moon a lot as a child and it looked as if she spoke to me. (Yep, I’m putting ALL my weird shit out there!) Laying in bed at night, I would hear the most beautiful soft music. Perhaps a harp? I miss that music. I hope I can tune back into it someday. I am still working on myself and believe me, I gots a TON of work to do. I’m trying to finally accept what god gave me and look, I grew up in a home where we didn’t really go to church much but we said grace at dinner time. Within that past year, not to sound all cliche, but I am finally letting go and letting god. He chose me to show the world that we can have empathy. We can love each other deeply. Maybe you don’t have depression. Maybe you are feeling the constant pain in the world. Let’s grow. Let’s evolve. Stop the judgement. Stop the hatred and the racism. We all want peace but we need peace in ourselves first. Stop pointing the fingers and look within.

Are you an empath? What’s your story? Thanks for listening.