Why people continually let us down

Why do we let people continually let us down over and over again? Especially if their behavior has always remained consistent with their actions. We hope people will change. We hope people will give a damn. We always hope to see the best in someone only to hurt ourselves in the end.

It hurts my soul that I can not connect to my father as much as I would like to. We have had a very difficult relationship for as long as I can remember, yet, I continually get let down over and over again. Why do I do this to myself? I know it is not me. I know he has his issues and I’ve never felt close to him.

I am far from perfect and have been trying to work on my wounds this year. Healing and releasing this wound has not been easy and I struggle with it daily. Maybe certain people are not meant to be in your daily life or maybe we can just love them from afar. Whatever is meant to be, I’m struggling.

xo

Waking up to awareness

Y’all….I’m a Texan now so I can say that! Hahah. It’s been awhile since I’ve written. If you have followed my others posts we straight up moved from Delaware to Texas and I love it here! Something about southern hospitality and people helping people. It’s so different here then the east coast.

How many of you have had a “wtf” year?? It’s been a heck of a ride this year. So many of you are waking up to being “sensitive” or simply put, an empath.

Why is this happening? Why have you always felt alone or depressed? Simply put…we are here to change the world. I believe things are changing but we as a whole need to step up and embrace it. I really should rename my blog, Messy Empath. Half the time, I don’t know what the heck is happening, who I’m picking up or what the frig this ache or pain is related to. Could it be me or the guy I’m next to. How do you tell? Do you blame on others or own up to your aches/pains. Saging, or using sage oil, walking bare foot in the grass or simply put as “grounding” is the quickest way to figure that out. Also- journaling or blogging is a great start.

Going to crowded areas- my eyes water like crazy. Being around stressed out peeps- shoulders ache like something awful. Female energy- I will feel tingles in my left calf. Male energy- right calf. My husband, currently under a whole lot of stress. I can feel his active brain every night while we turn off the lights and go to bed…and I can’t sleep because of it. We joke about it now but even though he will be laying there, quiet, he feels soooo loud and I have a hard time falling asleep because of it. Just a few examples for you. I started writing them down and really paying attention to how I feel. I highly suggest you do the same, pay attention! It will help you have less wtf moments. I also highly suggest the book- Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. OR buy the app for your phone, I think it’s $5. Anyway- There is a section in the book of ailments and what the meaning behind it is. For example- when I feel pain in my shoulders from people, looking up shoulders in the book, the first symptom of shoulder pain is “bearing burdens that don’t belong to you.”

Yes, being sensitive can be a difficult journey but we are here to help others get back in touch with humanity. Change the negative into a positive. Is this an awful gift? Not really. Trying to control it is difficult but picking up on others, being a human lie detector, helping others when you feel the sadness. We are here to change the world. You were picked to help the change and yes, you are a f’n rockstar! Have a blessed day, y’all!! Xo

One chapter closes…

This summer has been incredibly emotional for my family. In June, my husband, who works at a refinery over here on the east coast had a huge fire. A week later, over 700 employees from that company would find out via the internet/news channel that the refinery would be closing. Many hours later after the initial news broke, the company confirmed. I will not name this company but you may have already googled or have heard of this story already. The company had filed bankruptcy recently and if I am speaking honestly, we were worried before it went up in flames (pun intended). His union contract would be up in September and we were already hearing a lot of discussion of what the company wanted to take away from the workers.

Panic mode. Now over 700 people, who would be out of work by the end of August, would be looking for jobs. With a little inside help, my husbands impressive resume and god on our side, he landed a job in Texas. Holy shit. We are moving to Texas! Lemme back up just a bit- I’ve lived on the east coast, Delaware to be exact, my whole 30 something years on this planet. This summer has been the most challenging time of my life thus far. While I have tried to remain optimistic, hopeful, excited about our new adventure, I have been going through some of the darker emotions a little bit more. Guilt. Sadness. Leaving my family behind. My parents who are getting older. My dad recently having some health issues and possibly a bigger issue, which we will find out this week. Wanting to be excited but feeling guilty of the excitement while my family mourns the loss of me being near. My parents, who I love dearly, never a big emotional support system for me. This summer, I have felt more alone, then I will probably ever feel in Texas. One of my biggest fears, losing my parents. I know God’s lesson in all this is for me to feel ok without having my parents & sister near me. That I can be strong on my own. Let me repeat that….that I CAN be strong on my own and that it is ok for me to live & go forward in my own life and not have to worry about everyone else’s needs. I have always put others first. This move will force me to focus on myself for once, which has been long overdue. Thanks for reading and hey!-the next time I write, I may be a Texan. Later y’all ;). Xo

Your “roots”

Lets talk on family for a bit. A little on how you were raised. I am thinking this is sort of a pattern for us empaths.

I grew up in a suburban home with my sister, both my parents and always a fuzzy (dog) friend. My dad worked, a lot. He was on shift work and would be sleeping at different hours all the time. My mom, stayed at home with my sister and I until we became more functional and she went back to work when we were teens.

My dad and I have always butt heads. We are both Cancers, although, he never seemed to get the emotional side of the crabby crab, just the moodiness. Some days you never knew what you would get. For my sister and I, sometimes we had to walk on egg shells. My dad hated his job and it was probably because he had to work constantly. He had a family to support so I know he felt that pressure. He was not around a lot but for me, I felt like we never really got to have have a connection. Do I love my father? Absolutely. He has helped me out in so many ways and I am so grateful. Did he ever take interest in me? Not so much and its ok, it was how he was raised as well. My grandparents, his parents, who are now deceased, never took a big role in my life or my sisters. When my sister was born they moved away. We didn’t see them much. As I got older and had my first child, that is when my grandmother took more of an interest in me. When I asked her about this, she told me it was because we didn’t have much in common. That hurt but I have since forgave but hard to forget.

My mom, a quiet Gemini, lost her whole family when I was young. Her mom, who was first battled with Alzheimer’s. This was very hard on my mom. Her brother, shortly after, who suffered years of issues with diabetes passed away. Finally, her father, although I am not certain, I believe he had cancer. He had moved into our home very briefly when he was ill. This all happen in maybe a 3 year span. I can’t imagine how hard this was on my mom. She didn’t cope well. She kept herself busy with housework never giving us any inkling that she was sad. Never did she talk about her feelings or emotions she was going through. She never led us to believe she was hurting. I was around 8 and my sister 10.

Both my parents, who I love dearly, never talked feelings, emotions, life situations. Did it teach me to be strong and handle whatever comes my way? You would think it did but absolutely did not. I wonder if I am extra sensitive and extra emotional because of it. Did god put me with these two people to teach them how to be more in touch with emotions and feeling? Perhaps but at almost 40 years old thing are still the same.

I had mentioned in another entry that we are transferring to another location. My parents, who currently live a mile away, have not been the best support. Both of them really have not talked about it. I finally broke down to my mom the other day to let her know I feel emotionally unsupported. They have not asked how I am doing with this all or have asked very little detail on the big change that will be coming. Instead, they pretend everything is ok, to put on a happy face and just not talk about it. My mom, who of course is so very upset that we are leaving, is very unhappy about it. She doesn’t know how to process this or handle this. What she knows is, pretend its ok and not talk about it. I hope after our talk, she will be more open with me. I don’t want to feel alone in this. I need to feel the emotional support from my family. My sister has been somewhat supportive but is equally unhappy.

My question is….Empaths, did you grow up in a similar household? Did you have emotional support surrounding you?

Thanks for reading the rambles. Much love. xo